Holes in RelationSHIPS

Relationships in 2015 from one woman's POV

Texting, "Talking" versus Dating

Nothing annoys me more than the comparison between texting and dating. Texting is not dating. TEXTING is NOT dating. Texting is part of what I like to think of as the 4 stages to a relationship...a healthy relationship

1. Initial encounter stage

2. (Getting to know stage where texting occurs ) 

3. Dating stage

4. Relationship stage.

There needs to be balance and a proper ration between the stage though, because too much texting and no dates is not any type of "ship" it's not even a friendship. It is a dead end, goes no where, because at that point that person is only words behind a screen.Texting and the ability to hold a conversation via phone sparks enough interest to be considered for a date.  It's really like applying for a job...many can apply but not everyone is qualified.

And ladies sometimes you can be over qualified for a position. Don't beat yourself up about someone who is not giving you the attention you want, or you had high hopes for someone and they disappointed you. When  you reach a level of understanding about yourself and what you want and you reach a level of self love you become overqualified for just ANY guy. A lot of times "retail associate position guys" want a "corporate America qualified woman" that they're just not ready for but don't want to admit it.

It's selfish but understandable. It's like Bryson Tiller pleading with God to save a girl for him because he's not ready for her yet. Cute but NO. Join a company that challenges and appreciates you and where you can grow as well.

Do not settle for just a texting situation if that is not what you want. This isn't just advice, it's a reminder for myself as well. Time and attention are free things that are worth the most to women, those investments say "You're important, " and yes time you cannot get back but it is intangible and therefore in abundance when used correctly. Stop wasting it.

Stop indulging in the "when are we gonna chills" and the "wyds" and for college students the "how long you gonna be here during your break" texts and pay attention to those who ask "are you free (insert day here) so we can (insert activity besides chill here)."

Not to say you have to accept every invitation from every guy to go out but it's all in the wording and the effort. If he wants it, he'll directly ask for it and like my friend told me "Don't confuse potential with reality." I'm telling y'all in my Tory Lanez voice, he's gonna have to do more than just say it. Simple.

Back to this talking and dating confusion. If you ask me, talking gets confused with dating when peak maturity levels haven't been reached to call a situation what it is...dating. It's DATING. Dating does not equal commitment to solely one person. Dating does not mean spending all of your money or going to the most expensive restaurant or movie theater. DATES CAN BE FREE. It is a way of weighing your options and getting to know people away from the phone calls (if they still do those), texts, FaceTime calls, and direct messages. Face to face interaction demands immediate responses and body language that help you get to know someone better.

The problem comes in when people fear being honest about dating other people because they can't take the thought of the person they are interested in being interested in other people.

For instance; I've heard of several occasions of young men coming across women that embody everything they would want in a partner but because of their "young age" and "college years" they don't want to "settle too early" because of the fear of missing out on fun or what else could be out there. I get it, live your life, but not at the expense of leading someone on, with no intentions of giving her what she wants, a relationship, because you don't want to let go of the "good thing you have" but you want to "get all of your thotting out." No good will come from that.

Guys tend to make decisions for women without even realizing it. When you hide the fact that you are dating multiple women, and may even be having sexual relations with multiple other women not only does that put her at risk (if the guy doesn't practice safe sex) but it doesn't give her the opportunity to put her best foot forward. When I say that I mean that any sensible person knows that when they are in the early stages of getting to know someone, they are aware that they are not the only one, a guy should be upfront about it and let the woman know, that is when they establish mutual feelings, that there are other people, not necessarily who but just that there are so that the woman has the opportunity to either step up her game because she really wants the guy to know that she wants him, or fall back because she's not feeling him to "fight for what she wants." I believe however the only time a "who" should be revealed is if it is an ex. THAT is a message in is self for you to be careful, especially if they have a long history.

Centrality of Sex

Sex now a days is the foundation in which "relationships" and I use quotes because often times it's referred to as a situationship with the negative association because the man and woman never end up on the same page and eventually someone wants more than just sex. I believe that men and women open up emotionally and physically at different points throughout the course of dating and there is a lot of miscommunication and not enough compromise.

Physical attraction is initial for both male and female because there is something about their appearance that strikes and entices you. Women often times want a mental connection in order to feel safe and comfortable to open up physically to guys, and guys tend to be the opposite, they crave the physical connection and mental connection either simultaneously or physical first.

What some guys fail to realize is that with a woman, when she is mentally and emotionally comfortable and open with you that leads to physical openness and ultimately relationship bliss.

 *May I note that there are some women that do want the physical attraction first but they often times will not openly admit it because of the double standard placed on women, where the more bodies she has the less "valuable she becomes." I find that to be silly simply because physically you cannot tell how many bodies a woman has had based on the "tightness or looseness" of her vagina. Hello, Kegel exercises... and if she was too tight maybe she wasn't comfortable. Bottom line is a person can lie about their body count so that shouldn't be a deciding factor on someone it should be their sexual maturity and cleanliness. 

I always felt that if the person you're dating isn't comfortable with coming with you to buy condoms or with buying them in general, or if they wouldn't be willing to come with you to get tested before y'all have sex for your security and theirs, then that's a red flag. Safety first, then team work.

Honesty and Commitment

We live in a society that lacks an understanding of honesty and commitment. We have difficulty being honest with ourselves, how we feel about others and how others make us feel. We live in a society where being emotional is frowned upon so we suppress our feelings and avoid being direct with how we feel until we can no longer bottle up our emotions. I've noticed that guys will avoid "confrontation" and a woman's expression of her feelings toward something at all costs.

Running away from your problems does not make them disappear, you have to face your problems and your past in order to move forward with your future.

In regards to commitment, I'll never believe a guy that says he has commitment issues if he has a tattoo or wants one. Aside from the expensive removal surgery a tattoo is one of the biggest forms commitments a person can make, well besides joining a gang, committing to a religious faith or pledging a fraternity, and makes one have to stop think "he can commit his life to men, but not a woman?"

It's not that he's fearful of commitment, it's fear of commitment to YOU because of curiosity of what else is out there. Or because of the misconception that in a relationship you have to give your ALL to someone, forever. In a relationship, it is important to remain true to yourself and what you love, because often times relationships have a prolonged "honeymoon phase" where the couple is together all of the time and with the best intentions, tries to get involved in everything their partner is in. This can result in a lost of your own identity, lack of personal space and time and eventually the person can forget why they fell for you in the first place because you aren't yourself anymore, your world and all you do revolves around that person, and that's scary.

Sidenote: a civil conversation where there is a disagreement is not always called an argument. You talk things out to understand where the other person is coming from.

Exes and Baggage

Exes are like that comfort zone a lot of us continue to fall back into because we know it is there, but exes are also like split ends...if you don't cut them off there is no healthy growth.

As I once mentioned before, guys metaphorically and literally can hold a lot of baggage, it is only when they let it go, they can fully grasp and openly accept you. Only thing with that is that because of the fear of being hurt again our first love stays as our only true love because that first time we loved we unconditional because we did not know of hurt. After the first heart break we are conditioned to loving with conditions and terms, thus resulting in loving with a limited warranty.

Going into a new relationship or even stepping back on to the dating scene with baggage spoils and the new experience and set an expiration date on almost every encounter.