Case of the Ex
It’s like saying “The dog died but we can still keep it..”
I wish I can remember where I heard that because that’s the perfect way to describe it how I feel about trying to be friends with an ex.
I came to the realization that I have difficulty being friends with exes.
It has nothing to do with being immature, I just don’t see the purpose. Especially not immediately after we break up.
What is there to talk about ?
Let's rewind a bit, because I find it funny how exes are quick to want to be your friend after a breakup but during the relationship either they didn't understand or didn't value the importance of friendship in the first place !
I always wonder why if the guy wasn't into or didn't get the importance of friendship during or prior to the relationship why is he so pressed to be friends post breakup ?
- timing: building friendships takes time so why rush this one ?
- understanding the different types of intimacy and the importance of friendship is a foundation to successful relationship
Why do you want to be my friend ?
For some reason people tend to want to be friends with the ex who broke their heart. It's the psychology of wanting what you can't have or wanting something that's bad for you.
It's the thought of not wanting to lose them or the hope that if you stick around long enough you'll get back together.
There's the guys who want to remain friends because they don't want to feel like they lost. AND THEN there's those guys who stick around looking for the opportunity for sex. Them being able to say they're cool with their ex is like bragging about trophies.
"They hate to lose so they hold on especially if they didn't chose to end the relationship." - Dr. Tony Ferretti
Staying friends helps avoid the feeling of completely losing them and makes the break up "easier to deal with." STOP.
That harmful behavior we engage in post break up ...
1. Obsessive social media stalking
You don't know why but you have the urge to check their page everyday, or every hour and you even think to yourself "Maybe if we're friends I won't feel so crazy for checking their page so much ! I check all of my friends' pages." stop. no you don't.
The real reason a lot of people keep tabs on their ex or do "the most hoping their ex sees" is to keep up with their life in hopes that after they break up with you they don't move on to anyone better, or anyone at all, with the hope that they don't excel and succeed in life.
As far as doing the most like posting more revealing, or subliminal or frequent posts it's in hopes that the ex will see and "regret breaking up with you" or "see what they're missing."
First off, they don't care. Secondly if you have to do a lot of extra things that are out of what you normally do to get their attention, you don't need it.
2. Break up to makeup/chillin/cuddling
Even if there is no sex you still want that emotional intimacy from them because you've built that bond and you're scared to start fresh with meeting, building and opening up with someone. We would much rather go backward to a comfort zone than move forward and grow.
3. Keeping the Ex Around
It makes it harder to move on and is a big temptation to get back together.
I don't believe in breaks or space. We work on things TOGETHER. Once we break up, you're on your own, your problems are your problems.
It's not a good idea to keep them around because
It sends mixed messages...Think about it, friends do nice things for each other, and it's easy to mix things up and think they're doing nice things because they're still in love with you and things have changed.
And I will always love you ... if you got dumped you accept being friends in hopes of getting back together. If you're the dumper you know more than likely they want to get back together and you can lead them on.
Dating Naked .... You've seen each other naked so the temptation is there.
If I can't have you, no one can ... it's hard to see someone you've had or still have feelings for start a new relationship and their new potential bf/gf may feel threatened and question the relationship.
You'll forever be stuck in the past ... keeping them around will remind you of all the good times and you'll be blindsided and question the breakup, not only that but you'll compare new potentials to your ex.
Hopefully eventually you can be friends with your ex, if you feel they truly value you as a person..but it all takes time and healing space. After a breakup you don't have to worry about their feelings first anymore, it's the time to put yours first and do things not with the intent to hurt them, but to help you move on.
"Cutting ties doesn't mean I hate you it means I love me."